Paranormal/Fantasy Romance Author

Movie Review: Immortals

Immortals

Basic Premise
King Hyperion will release an unspeakable evil upon the world all in his bid to bring down the reign of the gods. Theseus has been chosen as the gods’ champion.

Review
This is such a pretty movie. Very, very pretty. That’s about all it’s got going for it. I wouldn’t suggest spending the extra money to see this in 3D.

The acting was great, and the fight sequences rocked. Like I already said, a very pretty movie but…

The film seemed a bit disjointed and didn’t flow as smoothly as it could. The scenes felt crammed together and there was no sense of time or place. The script writers (and/or director) didn’t feel the need to have characters address each other by name so you don’t know who the gods are (and can’t tell by looking at them), except for Zeus, Athena, and Poseidon. As it turns out, after looking it up, I found out that the other gods are Heracles, Apollo, Ares, and Helios.

And, oh yeah, 300 called and they want their line back.

Parents, this is very, VERY violent. Lots of blood shed and sword violence. Be warned.

Previews
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol – Yes, I’m going to see this.

Haywire – It’s female Bourne Identity. And yes I will be going to see it.

The Raven – Edgar Allen Poe is the new Sherlock Holmes. I’m totally there.

Avengers – This is a better trailer than the teaser at the end of Captain America. Totally hope this movie lives up to the hype.

Act of Valor – This looks like a live action version of Socom or Modern Warfare or any of those other first person military simulation games. I would hazard to guess someone wanted to make a movie out of the games, the game people said no, so the movie people made their own version.

******SPOILER ALERT!!!*******
DO NOT READ PAST THIS POINT. MOVIE RANT WITH SPOILERS AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Okay there were a few things I had to get off my chest, because I know a lot of people probably wouldn’t agree with my above assessment of this movie.

#1 – Someone obviously saw Last Action Hero because they subscribed to the same philosophy that you can COMPLETELY wash off oil that is covering your body and coating your hair with a slow trickle of water and a rag.

#2 – Why would you put the entrance to the Titans’ prison at the beginning of the tunnel that leads to the city? Why not put that entrance closer to the back of the tunnel so the bad guy has to fight the horde of soldiers to get to it?

#3 – Were the Titans clown-car’ing it in that box/prison? I could have sworn there was a set number of those mofos but they just kept coming until the gods, who were kicking ass pretty much the entire time, got their asses handed to them. And if the Titans were all locked up in that box, who the hell are the gods fighting at the end of the movie? Did we cross into the Biblical fight between God and Lucifer all of a sudden?

#4 – If their numbers count for nothing inside the tunnel, WHY WHY WHY would you enter said tunnel to meet them? Let them come to you and you can slaughter them as they come out of the tunnel. And like I said above, 300 wants its line back.

#5 – Why didn’t the other “oracles” try to escape as well? They could have all ran in different directions with prisoners guarding them, thus throwing Hyperion and his soldiers off the scent. If you are trying to keep the real oracle’s identity hidden, maybe you don’t make it readily obvious who she is by having her be the only one missing when you are all captured.

#6 – If Lysander is fired, what makes the commander think he’s going to keep obeying orders? Maybe you arrest the guy who is acting shifty and leave someone else to guard the last batch of refugees.

#7 – You know, the deflowered oracle was quick to wish for her visions back when she no longer had them and the shit hit the fan. Did anyone else notice this?

#8 – The high councilor or King (whatever he was) of the palace sitting on the side of Mount Tartarus was an idiot. How do you totally deny the existence of the gods and Titans when the entrance to the Titan’s prison is conveniently located in the tunnel leading to your city. Person A asks, “Oh hey, where do these stairs go?” King says, “Oh we don’t go up those stairs. They don’t lead anywhere. But we posted a guard there just in case someone tries to go up the stairs that don’t lead to anything.”

#9 – Did anyone else think Theseus got the raw end of the deal when he was saved from near death and brought to Olympus just so he can fight the Titans on the gods’ behalf for the rest of eternity? And, I ask again, where the hell did all of those Titans come from?

#10 – If it was that easy for the gods to destroy the Epirus bow, why didn’t they do that as soon as it was found? This is a Hellboy: The Golden Army moment all over again. Liz could have melted that crown earlier on in the movie and saved everyone a lot of trouble.

#11 – Where were the rest of the gods!!!!? What? Hera, Aphrodite, Hermes, Artemis, Demeter, Dionysus, Hades, etc couldn’t be bothered to show up when the Titans got free? Were they on vacation?

#12 – Hyperion was in the middle of that blast that laid out Theseus, shattering his ear drums, and hurtled Stavros over the side of the cliff thus breaking his leg. So how does Hyperion manage to be the only one not hurt? In fact, he’s in tip top shape when he starts kicking Theseus’s ass.

#13 – Did the writers READ Greek mythology before doing this movie? The gods didn’t embrace a hands-off approach when it came to humans. I submit The Odyssey as exhibit A.

#14 – Zeus was really quick to kill Hercules… I’m sorry… Heracles (this is how the movie credits spell it) for interfering but didn’t say boo to Poseidon for creating that wave or Athena for giving the humans horses that will run until they kill themselves.

Okay, that’s about it. The above fourteen things top the list as to why I didn’t think this movie was as amazing as some other people make it out to be.

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